Resentment Over the Ring

Dear George:

I broke up with my fiancé six months ago and was afraid of his abuse, so I let him have the ring back. Now I regret that action, and it's too late. I wanted to keep it because I picked it out. It was beautiful and a part of me. Him wanting to keep the ring confirms I was right to get rid of him. Don't you think? I don't know how to get over my resentment.

--- Seething with Rage, Chicago, IL

Dear Seething with Rage:

I applaud you for recognizing the relationship was abusive and for leaving him. I understand your anger at this man for hurting you in this way. It must have been very painful to separate yourself physically and emotionally. What I don't understand is why you would want a constant reminder of this painful experience around your finger every day. A diamond ring symbolizes the unbreakable bond that you share with the person you love.

You have to ask yourself, are you wishing to connect with this man again or simply desiring a beautiful ring. If you want a beautiful ring, then buy one at the nearest jewelry store. I recommend Blue Nile. If getting the ring back is a subconscious urge to reinstate the relationship, then counseling is in order. The pull of this kind of relationship may be very strong. You have to fight the desire to reconnect with this abusive individual.

Regarding the ring itself, he has every right to keep the ring he gave you. He's probably very upset that you broke off the engagement. This could be a further sign that he isn't aware of his abuse and feels hurt and confused by your actions. I recommend calling 800-799-SAFE, a national domestic abuse hotline, to talk with a counselor if you need more advice or emotional assistance. Again, congratulations on recognizing a dangerous situation before it's too late.

-- George