prescriptions for the soul

Friday, October 21, 2005

Past Lives Bring Current Pain

Dear George:

I'm in a nice great relationship with a guy now, but I still allow my ex-boyfriend to email, text, or phone me. I know this ex doesn't care for me in the way I care of him, but I can't let go of him emotionally. My current boyfriend isn't aware of the way I feel for my ex either. I'm really confused and stuck in the past.

--- Living in the Past

Dear Living In the Past:

When you're looking in the rear-view mirror, you can't see the road ahead. Your current relationship is bound to suffer until you resolve your feelings for this ex. It sounds to me like your ex may have attachment problems. He needs to keep you close, but never connected. This pattern of communicating with you makes you question your current relationship and achieves his goal of maintaining a safe relationship with you that doesn't activate his commitment fears.

This type of situation is obviously painful for you, and most likely very painful for your ex. Not to mention the isolation and self-doubt your current boyfriend may feel. You need to be strong and help your ex by cutting him off completely. No contact whatsoever. I know this will be hard but you'll be helping him immensely. Once your ex is gone, you'll see how fast your new boyfriend will respond to fill this emotional void.

It's ok to keep the joyful memories of your ex alive in your heart. But memories, by definition, are of the past.

--- George

To ask your own question, email George.

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