Walk The Talk

Dear George:

My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years and the fire in the relationship is gone. I don't expect it to be like it was in the beginning all the time, but it's like we're just roommates now. When I try to talk about our relationship, he gets defensive. I have tried to make it clear that I am not criticizing. I love him, but he generally just avoids me these days. I'm not sure what to do, other than risk killing a basically good relationship or settling for comfort and giving up on being really happy.

-- Bored in Chicago

Dear Bored in Chicago:

The fire is not out yet, right? You still have a few smoldering embers to work with. Don't give up on talking with your boyfriend. But before you have this relationship talk, read this advice.

Women spend a great deal of the their lives discussing relationships with other women. This is how women bond. Men rarely, if ever, discuss the intricacies of their relationships with male friends. In fact, it's taboo for married or committed men to discuss their sex life with other men. Women appear to be comfortable sharing this information. Additionally, women, some would say, are endowed with superior language skills. These differences give women a significant advantage when the time comes to discuss your relationship with your man. Men know this, and avoid this imbalance by shutting down or withdrawing. All is not hopeless however. With relationship talk, like real estate, it's all about location, location, location.

Obviously avoid breaking into his favorite television show by saying..."we need to talk." Generally speaking, men run for the deepest recesses of our minds when we hear those words. Ask your boyfriend to take a walk with you down to the coffee shop or park. Men are more receptive to difficult and stressful conversations (e.g. relationship talk) when we're in motion. Maybe it's part of our primitive brain that's "turned on" when hunting or having sex. That should stimulate him to address the problems that you mentioned.

-- George

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