prescriptions for the soul

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Keep 'Em Or Sweep 'Em To The Curb

Dear George:

How can you tell if someone wants a long-term relationship or is just a serial dater?

--Fun Diva

Dear Fun Diva:

Wouldn't it be great for you if men who only serial date (e.g. players) had some hidden mark, like the sign of the devil, tattooed between their toes. Then, with a little examination, you could know for sure where his true intentions lie. Instead of a 666, however, the mark would be the Playboy Bunny: The international symbol for players everywhere.

Since players don't have such a distinguishable beauty mark, you can only guess as to men's intentions by what we say and do. Actions speak louder than words, right?

All you aspiring Nancy Drews will love this list of hidden secrets that indicate if your man is a keeper or sweeper (to the curb with the rest of the dirt and slime).

1. Question: Does he have one pillow or two? Analysis: Two pillows indicates he's probably bedded many before and many after. Why? Most guys don't have pillows for decoration. In fact, we don't keep anything that doesn't serve a functional purpose. Our pillows are the same way. We have them to sleep on or for our girlfriends, one night stands, or friends with benefits to use post coitus. After a breakup we toss that pillow. Speaking from experience, it's hard to wash out the aromatically delicious smell of your ex girlfriend from the pillow she always used when she slept over. This perfumed aroma will remind us of her, so we'd rather toss it out than smell the ghost of our ex every night. That leaves us with one. So, if a guy has two pillows it says a) he's in a relationship or b) he's primed and ready for the next girl in need of a warm bed. Answer: Player

2. Question: Does he have burned candles near his bedside? Analysis: He's been using the magic mood enhancer on the girl that just left his crib. Answer: Player

3. Question: Does he play Barry White, Marvin Gaye or any 60's or 70's soul singers when you're in bed with him? Analysis: What master manipulator doesn't know the aphrodisiac qualities of a black men's soulful voice. Answer: Player

4. Question: Does he give you an unopened toothbrush when you sleep over? Analysis: Shows caring and foresight in procuring the toothbrush prior to your arrival. The toothbrush could also be for a male friend or relative that crashes at his pad. Answer: Keeper

5. Question: Does he cuddle with you in bed? Analysis: This is a toss up. I think most men like to be close to the woman in their bed. Answer: No Idea. Just enjoy it.

6. Question: Does he talk in the present progressive tense or future perfect? Analysis: Any future talk about going places beyond a six mile radius of his bed indicates desire for non sexual contact. Answer: Keeper

7. Question: Does he flinch with fear when you invite him to a casual drink downtown with your Dad (or any male relative)? Analysis: This indicates he's scared to meet this man because deep down he knows he's going to dump you, and soon. Most likely he's created all sort of catastrophic ideas about this Mano a Mano encounter, which, in his mind, can only end with him being being buried up to his neck in a block of cement. Answer: Player (but keep him if he survives the test and still wants to date you).

8. Question: Does he buy you very generic jewelry? Analysis: When he dumps you, you'll be so pissed you'll throw the jewelry he bought back at him. If it's generic and nonspecific to you or the relationship, he can "re-gift-it" -- no problem. He might have even saved the box. Answer: Player (so always keep the jewelry he gave to you as a gift).

9. Question: Does he sit with his back to the crowd in a busy restaurant, giving you the seat with the view? Analysis: Guys will choose this seat not to focus only on you, but rather so they DON'T get caught staring at every hot thing that walks by. He's camouflaging himself and his true nature. Answer: Player (give him the seat with the view and watch him squirm).

I hope you find these clues helpful.


P.S. Readers, if you have more clues, post them for everyone to learn from.

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